


Metanoia

by patriciaselina



Category: Free!
Genre: Boys Kissing, Confessions, Fluff, Gen, I dunno how to tag this tbh, M/M, Self-indulgence to the logical extreme, Trains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 10:56:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1172222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patriciaselina/pseuds/patriciaselina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I am <em>not</em> going to repeat myself.” Rei huffs, crossing his arms. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t mean it. I mean, come on, look at us. Haruka-<em>senpai</em> and Rin-<em>san</em> had the capacity to keep denying their general feelings about everything until kingdom come, and even Makoto-<em>senpai</em> has his secrets. But you go about saying things like—” Rei clears his throat and I don’t expect his voice to rise an octave, but it <em>does</em>, as he says, “—<em>’let’s make a swim club!’ ‘I thought you were beautiful!’</em>—” and he continues on, cool as a cucumber, as if I didn’t just start giggling in my seat. “—without even batting an eyelash.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Metanoia

**Author's Note:**

> I had a whole detailed list of WIPs when suddenly this crept up on me and before I knew it, I had already typed it out. My love for Reigisa scares me, sometimes.
> 
> Feel free to consider this the follow-up for my other surprise ficlet _[Res perit domino](http://patriciaselina.tumblr.com/post/74658962436/formatting-a-bit-iffy-because-im-posting-this-on)_ , because they’re both sappy Reigisa one-shots taking place in trains.

  
**_metanoia_ ** _, n. the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life_  


* * *

 

Rei’s been pushing up his glasses every three minutes, ever since our train left Iwatobi.

It’s not that I’ve been counting, really. So what if the reason why I think that this is weird of Rei is ‘cause I know he does the glasses thing every fifteen minutes,  _six_  when he’s being nervous?

…okay, so maybe I  _have_  been counting. But! But these are the kinds of stuff friends have to know about each other, right? Silly little things like verbal tics and mannerisms. Like how I know that the chance of Mako turning away a stray kitten is exactly  _zero_. Like how I know that it takes Haru  _three minutes_  to strip and get himself in water. Like how I know that all it takes is  _one_  White Day present for Gou to make Rin go ballistic.

…it’s a miracle Rei got to live that day, really. Though it could also be ‘cuz I told Rin that if he really did kill Rei I’d quote-unquote “ _kick your crybaby butt across the Pacific Ocean_ ”. I really meant that, by the way.

Sometimes though, just when I tell myself that noticing too much of the stuff Rei does is not a weird thing at all, there’s a little voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me I’m wrong.

Speaking of, here it is. The little voice. Looks like it’s using Gou’s voice today!

_Silly Nagisa. You dunno how long it takes for Haru to change after swim practice, do ya?_

Well…so I know it takes Rei ten minutes. He could be quicker, he usually is, but he always spends too much time tucking and  _re_ -tucking his uniform shirt in. We go home together, I always get done before he does; somewhere along the way it wouldn’t be weird for me to start keeping count?

Right?

_But you don’t know Makoto’s shoe size._

In my defense, I  _needed_  to know that. Rei had been talking on and on about getting new trainers and I knew that the only way to get him to change subjects would be to get him a darned pair already.

The little blushy face he had on was a nice bonus.

_But Nagisa, when Rin answers your messages, you don’t clutch your phone to your chest and make the little ‘happy dance’ you do that makes your sisters want to check if you’ve been taking drugs, do you?_

…

…so maybe I’m being a  _little_  weird.

The little voice in my head goes away quickly, which it always does, when I admit that to myself. Maybe I really  _am_  playing favorites, and my favorite happens to be Rei.

“Nagisa-kun, are you all right?” Rei asks me, brows furrowed and worried as his face draws close to mine.  _Way_  too close. Our noses are almost touching. “You’re all red…”

I know I should be saying something, ‘cuz Rei’s a worrying worrier and if I don’t tell him I’m fine he just might start imagining doomsday scenarios. But as he pushes my hair out of my eyes all I can think of is that right now, I can see how pretty his eyes really are. Are eyes that purple even  _natural_?

Then again, it’s not like  _I’m_  one to talk.

It only strikes me that I really haven’t said anything back when I see Rei’s lips pull down into a frown. The more accurate word would be “ _pout_ ”, but he doesn’t like having that word used in regards to him. He’s shy that way. “Nagisa- _kun_ , say something.”

“You have really pretty eyes,” I blurt, and this really has to be something like a curse, how my mouth seems to run off on me all the time. Mostly when I’m with  _Rei_. “Ugh…I mean. Yeah.”

Now, someone up there really must love me today, because instead of scoffing or looking away awkwardly, Rei’s gaze just gets softer and fonder as he smiles at me. “Well, that’s  _‘something’_ , all right.”

“I have  _got_  to do something about this, Rei- _chan_.” I say, drawing away from Rei so I can press a palm to my face without elbowing him. “I mean, did you hear what Rin- _chan_  told me yesterday? He said I can’t cheat myself out of a paper bag!”

Rei just shrugs, pats down his uniform pants like it’s normal for me to go off on random topics at a drop of a hat. Which it  _is_ , actually. “So you’re honest. I fail to see how this would be a problem.”

“It  _is_  a problem.” I say, my voice insisting the end of the sentence even as my mind keeps going on - because sometimes I  _wake up_  and I think of Rei, and sometimes I  _go to_  sleep and think of Rei, and most of the time when we’re changing I find myself  _slowing down_  because I just can’t help but notice his very nice,  _very muscle-y_  legs —

See what I mean, about this being a problem?

“It’s a problem because I need to stop being so  _honest_  all the time.” I say, instead, hoping my cheeks aren’t gonna set the train car on fire, because trains are expensive and this is a nice train. “‘Cause they say that when people grow up, they learn how to step ‘round the truth, and I wanna be a grown-up. I wanna learn how to  _lie_.”

“ _Utter nonsense_ ,” Rei scoffs, pushing his glasses up again. “If you were to ask me, I’d say that one has truly reached adulthood when they’ve become confident enough to accept what they really think and feel about…things.”

“Really?”

“ _Truly_. In that respect, Nagisa- _kun_ , I’d dare say  _you’re_  the most mature out of all of us.”

My ears perk up. Now that’s something I don’t hear Rei say every day. “Rei-chan, you do hear what you’re saying, right?”

“I am  _not_  going to repeat myself.” Rei huffs, crossing his arms. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t mean it. I mean, come on, look at us. Haruka- _senpai_  and Rin- _san_  had the capacity to keep denying their general feelings about everything until kingdom come, and even Makoto- _senpai_  has his secrets. But you go about saying things like—” Rei clears his throat and I don’t expect his voice to rise an octave, but it  _does_ , as he says, “— _’let’s make a swim club!’ ‘I thought you were beautiful!’_ —” and he continues on, cool as a cucumber, as if I didn’t just start giggling in my seat. “—without even batting an eyelash.”

“Well,” I point out, puffing up my chest and shifting my voice so it’d be closer in pitch to Rei’s than mine. He should’ve left the mimicking to the professional, in my opinion. Even if hearing Rei say stuff in my tone of voice is a whole other brand of cute. “I was dealing with a highly delicate operation, with that second one. I thought my plan wouldn’t have worked if I said nothing less than the truth.”

Rei laughs, honest-to-goodness laughs, and I mentally kick myself because I should make him laugh more often, why don’t I do that? “Indeed it wouldn’t have. And that’s a waste, because if I had thought you were lying where would we be?”

I try very hard  _not_  to think of the isolation Rei had been living in pre-swim team, or of all the ways I felt I never could fit in with Haru and Mako and Rin. But it’s impossible not to think of them, when we think of how things would’ve been if we’d never met.

And considering who I am and who he had been, if things had happened a little bit differently, the chances we would’ve never met, never had this, are high. When I think about this my chest aches and I suddenly wanna take deep breaths, but I stop myself ‘cuz Rei will notice and I don’t want him to worry about me.

“It’s a good thing, then?” I say, my voice sounding faraway to myself. “‘Cuz I don’t wanna imagine myself being anywhere else but here.”

The smile on Rei’s face only grows fonder, and it’s a shame that he’s facing forward ‘cuz I would’ve loved to see that smile head-on. “Same here. Guess I  _am_  right, and I should be thankful for you.”

Wait  _wait **wait**_.

Now, did I just — did I just die and go to heaven? I consider the possibility of this as my cheeks grow redder and  _ohmygosh I am **considering possibilities**  now, did I just start  **thinking**  like Rei??_

I swallow down something that could’ve been nerves. Or apprehension. I dunno, maybe they’re interchangeable. “Really,” I hear myself say, somewhat weakly.

Rei only purses his lower lip in a way that makes me wanna ki —  _no, Nagisa, **stop it**_.

“Well,  _you_  were the one who invited me into the swim club, weren’t you, Nagisa- _kun_?” Rei says, still smiling, looking out the window. The sun’s just barely showing over the horizon, and I’ve seen that face of his too many times before to know it’s the one he reserves for beautiful things. “Because of that I was able to meet Haruka- _senpai_  and Makoto- _senpai_ , as well as Rin- _san_.”

“Well, you just seemed so lonely,”  _Just like **I**  had been_, I think but don’t say. He’s here now. He doesn’t need to know. “You seemed like a great guy. I thought it was unfair.”

“Hmm,” Rei hums, considering what I said before he goes on. “Because of you, I was able to notice the beauty of swimming. You were the one who completely changed my world, did you know that?”

I swallow down some lump in my throat again.  _Definitely_  nerves.

Now, I always knew I wasn’t destined for greatness. Living with a gaggle of super-talented big sisters tended to do that, and if that wasn’t enough my few friends were extraordinary in their own ways, as well. Haru’s the natural talent, Mako the natural sweetheart. Rin’s the hard worker, Rei the scientist.

Me, I’m average in arts and swimming and most other stuff — below average in academics and hard work, even. I knew I was never the type who’d grow up and change the world.

But Rei’s the smartest person I know, and if he says that I  _changed his world_  then he’s definitely not lying to me. I dunno how to deal with this.

“Sure, I know, you’re extremely pushy. And bossy. And the dictionary definition of ‘ _stubborn’_  probably should be updated to include your name in it —”

I can’t help myself, old habits die hard: I pout. “I thought you were being thankful for me?” I say, willing my voice not to break at the words. Because Rei is being thankful for me and he shouldn’t know how strongly this makes me feel…stuff. It’d only make stuff weird.

“— but for all my complaining, I never really could stray from you for long, could I?” Rei says, chuckling softly. “I can’t explain this in less abstract terms, but I blame it on your aura. You have one that I can’t help but get drawn to and…I guess that’s why I let you have your way, have me wrapped around your finger completely.”

As if it was on cue, my fingers suddenly get charged with a weird kind of energy that I don’t remember them having before. Static, perhaps?

It has to be static, it  _has to be_. Because it definitely shouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that right now I just wanna take his face in my hands and pull him down until we’re nose-to-nose again.

Rei doesn’t seem to notice this shift in my posture, or my sanity, because he continues on. “I keep thinking to myself that I hope there will come a day when I can somehow return the favor.” he says, and when he looks at me my heart can’t help but skip a beat.

Or two.

Or twenty.

It’s  _that_  look, after all.

The one he only reserves for beautiful things.

I don’t want to do this, but I do it – I look away. Because looking into those earnest eyes of his – those  _way_  too earnest eyes – makes me wanna drown in their gaze forever, and I shouldn’t feel like this, I have  _got_  to stop somewhere. “You don’t have to, Rei- _chan_ ,” I say, hoping to goodness I really am as calm about this as I sound like I do. “You told me that  _I_  was the one who has to take responsibility, right?”

“And you have, many times over.” Rei says, looking at me with that look of his that’s just this many millimeters away from  _reverent_  and it makes me wanna throw up my arms to the heavens to ask what wonderful thing did I do in my past life to make me deserve this, to make me deserve him.

Especially since I’m not as good at taking responsibility as he makes me sound. There’s the time he sunk like a rock in Samezuka, and the time he almost drowned in Sukishima, and the time he got all pissed about our Rin fixation, and the time he didn’t get to swim the relay he’d been so excited for – it doesn’t sound like I’ve gotten a good track record, does it?

Heh,  _track_ record…

What I’ve been thinking must’ve somehow shown on my face, because when I get back to Earth Rei’s got me by the shoulders and his lips are pressed into a thin line. It’s his serious face, he hasn’t even pushed up his glasses since…a while ago, I should not be fixated on how much I wanna kiss him right now. Even if it’s just a little kiss.

“Listen to me, Nagisa- _kun_. I know our friendship hasn’t been entirely perfect – and it’d have been preposterous of me to expect otherwise, because I know that perfection is an impossibility even if I try so hard to achieve it – but you’ve already taken more than enough responsibility for me. I mean,” and here he flushes red and looks slightly to the side, like Haru does when he gets flustered, it’s kinda cute, “You already became my friend. And you didn’t back out on it. That’s more responsibility than anyone had ever offered my direction.”

“ _I love you_ ,” I hear myself say, and just as I let them out I find myself wishing I could take them back again. Not because I don’t mean them – ‘cuz I do, I really do – but because now he’d keep his distance away from me and I won’t have a best friend anymore and that’d be worse than anything else, worse than  _drowning_  –

But I don’t get to compare the feeling to any other methods of dying, because suddenly Rei’s got my face in his hands and his lips are on mine. Granted, his lips are kinda chapped – I  _told_  him he should’ve borrowed my Chapstick, silly man – and his frames kind of ache where they’re pressed into my skin, but he’s just so warm and I can feel the shape his mouth forms against mine.

He’s  _smiling_ , and I dimly feel the crackle-pop of fireworks in my brain, which is expected ‘cause if my mind’s stupid enough to  _not_  celebrate over this then I really am hopeless.

We draw back to look at each other, and Rei laughs. He laughs like a man who won the lottery, like an archeologist getting into the inner rooms of the tomb of the so-called ‘Tiger of Qin’, like all the people who’d ever been in love.

“Did you really not have a clue, Nagisa- _kun_?” Rei chides, though his voice is so soft that I know there isn’t even a  _smidgen_  of bite to it. “I’ve been in love from you from the start. I thought it’d be obvious of me already.”

“It’s not, maybe I wasn’t looking hard enough,” I say, my hands on his collar flaps as I let that little tidbit sink in –  _from the start,_  Rei,  _really_?? “You’re the best thing that I’ve got. I was scared. I didn’t wanna lose you.”

“Guess that makes two of us, then.” Rei murmurs, looking at me with so much naked fondness that I think he’d give Mako and his mother-hen look a run for his money. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I didn’t want to lose you, either.”

That’s just about as much compliments as I can take, apparently, ‘cause I feel like steam should be coming out of my ears right now. “How can you say all that with a straight face, Rei- _chan_?”

Now, in my opinion, if Rei thinks my smile is infectious, then he really hasn’t seen his own. “I used to ask that question, too. A very wise young man told me the answer, and it’s the same one I shall offer you – it’s because I’m  _telling the truth_.”

Something bubbles up in my chest and I can’t help it, I push through to kiss him again, closed-lipped and – though I will deny this to my grave – somewhat hesitant. I’d be worried ‘cuz he doesn’t kiss back, but suddenly his hands are in my hair and he’s smiling again and it’s all right.  _We’re_ all right.

That’s why when we pull away a second time, and he laughs again, happy and sated and perfectly  _content_ , I find myself nuzzling close, drinking in the beauty of that sound.

This is the undeniable truth: Rei’s got a laugh beautiful enough to change my world twice over.

Who’s to say I’m the only one who can change worlds?

 **fin.**  

**Author's Note:**

> Fluffy boyfriends because I can’t help myself. I have to stop somewhere, I just don’t know how. Or when…
> 
> The ‘ _Tiger of Qin_ ’ refers to the First Emperor of China, who had himself buried with an extremely accurate clay army, with horses and weapons and whatnot. The inner chambers which hold his body are apparently booby-trapped to hell and back, and were probably cursed to match, too. It’s said to be a really beautiful sight, though, and I’ve no idea if anyone’d been in there recently.
> 
> The line about Rei being in love with Nagisa _‘from the very start’_ is, I admit, something I picked off of the lovely BBC Sherlock school-age fic _[Feel The Tide](http://archiveofourown.org/works/440575)_ , but if you look at how Rei was at the start and say that’s not _some sort of_ love I will throw an absolutely massive fit. It just so happens that, if we were to work off of its sort-of related fic _Res perit domino_ , we know Rei’s referring to ‘love’ of a romantic kind.
> 
> Urgh, _kissing_. I am terribly bad at writing guys kissing. What am I talking about, I am terribly bad at writing _all combinations of genders_ kissing. Sigh. Looking back at it, the little bit about ‘borrowing Chapstick’ reminds me of a scene in _Friends_ where Rachel said Ross once kissed her because he ‘ _needed Chapstick’_ (“ _It was a dry day!!”_ ) Good times.
> 
> Thanks for reading my fic! I hope you liked it.


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